The Unknown
by ohx3itsmagic
Summary: In a split second, everything can change. I'd take it all back now if I could. But I wasn't in control then, and now I have to live with the guilt and confusion forever. / Something's wrong with James. Can the others figure it out before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

**The Unknown: A Big Time Rush Story**

_"And at once, all I could see was darkness. And all I could feel was pain. Not the blinding pain that makes you wish you weren't alive, but the annoying pain, which in my opinion, is almost worse. I felt like someone had my head pressed up against a wall and wasn't letting up the pressure. And the noise...it still won't stop..."_

_/  
><em>

"DOGS!" Gustavo belllowed from across the studio.

Logan sighed. "And, that's our cue." The teenager pushed up from his sitting position against the Rocque Records dance floor wall, and once standing, turned to face his friends. "Let's go."

Carlos exhaled in exasperation. "But we barely got a break! I'm still tired!"

"Sorry, buddy. Duty calls," Logan grabbed the Latino's hand and pulled him up to his feet, before turning and doing the same to Kendall. The blonde and Carlos started making their way back towards the recording studio, Logan not far behind. Halfway to the door, the brunette turned around. They were missing one..

"James, you okay, man?" Logan asked, concerned.

James didn't answer. The tallest member of the band stayed sitting against the wall, his expression blank, his eyes cold and staring hard into space.

Logan walked back over to the wall and bent down in front of his friend. "James?"

James snapped to attention. "What?"

"Break's over," Logan informed him.

"Oh."

Logan went to grab his friend's hand, like he had for the others, but James quickly shoved it away. "I can get up myself," he snapped, before pushing off the wall and standing up.

"Uh, okay," Logan said, slightly taken aback. James usually wasn't this irritable. "You sure you're okay?" he asked once more, following James back to the studio.

"Fine. My head hurts a little, but I can deal. If Gustavo runs this train into the ground, he better give me a nice funeral," he grumbled, trudging back down the hallway.

Logan shrugged. _Everyone's entitled to a bad day, _he thought. _No big deal._

_/  
><em>

Later, the door to Apartment 2J burst open as the four rowdy boys returned home, fresh from rehearsal and ready to party after being cooped up for hours.

"LET'S ROCK N ROLL!" Carlos hollered, throwing a fist in the air and darting for the kitchen.

Upon the younger boy's enthusiastic statement, James, who was standing right behind him, immediately clutched the sides of his head and winced in pain. "Carlos, would you keep it down? That really hurt," he said, trying not to let an annoyed edge take over his voice.

Carlos blinked. He wasn't acting any different than usual, and James had never been this opposed to noise before. "Sorry, buddy," he said in return, still a bit perplexed.

/

_"My head just won't stop pounding. This is the worst headache I've ever experienced in my life. And it wasn't even that hard of a rehearsal! I hope Carlos isn't too upset at me. I didn't even mean to get mad at him - he wasn't doing anything wrong. Well, for Carlos at least. Same with Logan earlier. I just can't seem to control myself anymore. Especially when this head trauma attacks..."_

_/  
><em>

"James?"

He snapped back to reality to find Kendall's green eyes full of concern. "You okay, man? I'm not gonna lie, you've been off all day. Is anything bothering you?"

James considered telling his friends about his confusing thoughts. Logan wanted to be a doctor, he'd be able to help, right? He shook the thought away seconds later. _It's just a headache. Stop being a baby, God._ "Yeah, I'm fine, Kendall, sorry. Rehearsal just took a lot out of me, I guess. My head kinda hurts. I think I'm gonna go lie down for a bit."

Kendall nodded understandingly. "Feel better, dude," he told James, patting his shoulder comfortingly before letting the taller boy trudge towards his room, a hand rubbing the back of his neck.

"Is Jamie okay?" Carlos asked from the kitchen, his mouth full.

"He says it's just a headache," Kendall said, staring after James. "I'm sure he'll be fine tomorrow."

"Yeah." Logan plopped down on the couch. "His blood sugar is probably low, too. Everybody has those days."

"What's low blood sugar, Logie?" Carlos asked curiously.

Logan chuckled. "Nothing you'll ever have to worry about, I promise."

/

James tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep. He was exhausted, but couldn't seem to relax enough to let himself fall under. The curtains had been drawn, but light still peeked through around the edges. It wasn't even dark out yet, and that annoyed him anymore. On top of it all, his friends were out laughing and watching a movie in the front of the crib, and he was upset he was missing out, too.

With an angry growl, James picked up his alarm clock and threw it across the room. It hit Carlos' closet door with a loud bang, and then dropped to the floor. James was sure it had been cracked, but he just turned over and closed his eyes again. Maybe now he could sleep without the time ticking in his face.

Wrong. The door opened with a click, and Logan poked his head in. "I heard a crash, is everything okay?" he asked, looking around.

James didn't answer, pretending to be asleep. He didn't really want to talk to anyone right now, and wished Logan would just go away.

The shorter boy remained silent for a moment, just looking at James' sleeping form. Then he reluctantly backed out and closed the door behind him, still without an answer.

**What do you think so far?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Gotten some great reviews so far! Thank you all - I don't think you'll be disappointed in this story. =)  
><strong>

**Chapter 2**

_Seven year old James was watching cartoons on the couch of his cozy home in Minnesota one autumn evening. He heard the front door open with a click, and a draft of cold air washed over him as his father entered, home from work._

_"Daddy!" he exclaimed, hopping off the couch and dashing over to his father, who was hanging up his coat and hat on the peg by the front door._

_"What's up, my man?" his father said with a grin, coming down to James' level and giving his son a hug. "How was school today?"_

_"Good!" James piped up. "I tried out for the baseball team after school, too!"_

_"Oh yeah? And how did that go?"_

_James faltered. "Well, I didn't make it. But the coach said I did a really good job, there were just too many people to give everyone a spot on the team!"_

_He felt his father stiffen and loosen his grip on James. "I see." He slowly released his son and stood up, avoiding eye contact, and made his way into the kitchen._

_Curious about the sudden change in behavior, James trotted after his dad. "What's wrong, Daddy? Aren't you proud of me for trying out? I was really nervous before. But I did it!"_

_"It's fine, James. Go back to your TV. Daddy has a headache." James' father wearily opened the fridge._

_James shrugged, still confused but willing to go back to cartoons. "Okay." The boy whirled around and ran back to the TV in his sock feet. Halfway there, he tripped over a lamp cord in the hall and came crashing down onto the floor. The lamp unfortunately followed him down, shattering into a million pieces in front of James._

_His father, hearing the noise, strode over from the kitchen. Upon seeing the mess, his face contorted in anger. "God dammit, James, can't you do anything right? What kind of a pathetic excuse for a son are you?" he fumed, bending over to pick up the biggest pieces of glass._

_James crawled away into the corner, whimpering. His elbow was scraped from rug burn, and he was trying to fight back tears. The lamp falling was an accident. And he had been so excited for his father to come home. So excited..._

James woke up with a gasp, breathing hard. Frantically looking around, he found himself in LA, in the bedroom he shared with Carlos at the Palm Woods, all alone, with a broken alarm clock resting on the floor across the room. Glancing at his phone, he saw it was close to 9 pm. The TV was playing softly outside the door.

Trying to catch his breath, James wiped the sweat from his forehead and lay back down, trying to go back to sleep. The dream had felt so real...the memory was sadly identical to his childhood one. James barely mentioned his father, and couldn't help wondering why the dream had come about all of the sudden. His father wasn't worth talking about. Over the years following that incident, the abuse had only gotten worse. His father's words about his dreams of stardom were very hurtful, etched into James' mind for eternity. He couldn't seem to please his dad, no matter what he did. _Well, if he's not going to like it anyways, why not become a singer?_ he had thought upon hearing about Gustavo's auditions coming to Minnesota. In fact, his father's scoffing about him wanting to become a professional performer only made James want to be one more. If nothing else, he wanted to prove his father wrong. Make him proud to have a son like James Diamond.

With a sigh, James turned over again and closed his eyes. The headache he'd had hours before was slowly making a comeback, and he felt himself getting more and more irritable as the minutes ticked by. All he wanted to do was sleep, without having any luck.

Frustrated, James sat up abruptly and yanked open the drawer to his bedside table. Rummaging around, he finally found what he was looking for: a small bottle of Tylenol PM.

Scarce thoughts of potential dangers skittered through James' mind as he flipped open the bottle top. He knew deep down inside that it probably wasn't a good idea to take these if he wasn't actually that tired. But the impulse to just sleep, forget the confusing thoughts and the headache overpowered his conscience, and James swiftly tapped out 3 tablets and swallowed them before he could stop himself.

Immediately growing drowsy, James sighed contentedly and lay back down. With luck, the drugs would keep him so deep asleep that he wouldn't have any more dreams. That was the last thing he wanted...

/

"Is James still sleeping?" Logan wondered from out by the TV.

"Haven't seen him come out at all," Kendall answered. He was sprawled out on the couch, eyes glued to the screen of his phone.

Carlos bit his lip. "I hope he's okay. He was sure annoyed with me earlier."

Logan reached out and rubbed the younger boy's shoulder comfortingly. "I'm sure he's fine, Carlitos. Stop worrying!"

"He'll be back to normal tomorrow," Kendall said, sounding unconcerned. "If anything, I'd put money on him wanted to get out of rehearsal."

"Still..." Logan couldn't seem to be as nonchalant as his blonde friend. "If he doesn't improve soon, we should investigate. I don't want him getting really sick."

Kendall chuckled. "Roger that, Doctor Oz."

/

Little did Logan know that he was more accurate than both he and the others knew, including James himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Before I start, I just wanna thank anyone who read Flirting With Death and liked it - the fic was nominated for the 2012 Topaz Awards, for best Bade. Although it didn't win, it was my first nomination in a FanFiction contest and I'm really happy about it. Thank you! Also, Mrs. Knight and Katie don't exist in this fic. Onward...  
><strong>

**Chapter 3**

When James awoke again, sunlight was streaming through the window from behind the blinds, and Carlos was sound asleep in his own bed across the room. James checked his phone once again and with a sigh of relief discovered it was 8 am. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he got up and headed for the door. Thankfully, his headache was gone.

The apartment was quiet: none of the boys were usually up until around 9 am, so James was surprised to see Logan reading on the couch when he trudged in. His face lit up upon seeing James.

"Look who's awake!" Logan shut his book and got up. "How're you feeling? We were all worried!" Concern laced his features as he gave James a once over.

"I'm fine," James said with a smile. "Sorry about yesterday. I guess I was just over tired, Gustavo finally got to me."

Logan nodded understandingly and sat back down with James. "Of course. You slept well?"

The thought of taking the sleeping pills flickered around the edges of James' mind. "Okay. I had a weird dream, though."

"About?" Logan leaned closer, interested.

James hesitated. "It was about...my dad."

Logan's features immediately softened. He and the others knew all about the hardships James had faced with his father. Back in Minnesota, James would break down and cry sometimes without warning at their play dates. He didn't understand why his father would never approve of him, and why his mood swings were so intense.

"I'm sorry, James," Logan said sadly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine. It was just...really accurate. Like I was back in time, reliving that all over again. The disappointment was real. And then I woke up all angry and everything." James put his head in his hands to prevent Logan from seeing him become emotional. But the other boy didn't miss it for a second. He leaned over and put an arm around James comfortingly.

"You're an amazing person, James. We all know that. Gustavo knows that, even though he doesn't admit it. Look at yourself, you're in Big Time Rush! Selling out concerts everywhere, dodging crazy fans, singing your heart out every night up on that stage. This is the dream, buddy, and you're living it. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough."

James looked up and smiled at his friend. "Thanks, Logie," he said, returning the hug. "You always know what to say."

/

Carlos and Kendall soon woke up and came out to find James up and moving around.

"You feeling better, James?" Carlos asked hesitantly. He was still a bit unnerved due to other boy's outburst the night before.

James smiled. "Yeah. Thanks, dude." He stepped forward and wrapped Carlos in a hug, who smiled and leaned into James' touch, happy he had been forgiven.

"You gave us a bit of a scare, Jamie," Kendall remarked. "We just hate seeing you in pain. Promise you'll let us know if something like this happens again?"

James felt a pang of guilt upon remembering the Tylenol again. _Kendall's right,_ he thought. _I sh__ould have gone to my friends for help, and instead I turned to drugs. What the hell?_

"I promise."

/

Duty soon called, and the boys got their act together and headed off to Rocque Records for yet another intense choreography session. After many spins, ducks, and backflips, James felt his odd headache from the night before returning.

"Not again.." he groaned to himself under the pounding music, trying to ignore it.

The music abruptly shut off. "James," Mr. X called. "You missed that last combination."

James winced as a sharp bolt of pain hit him right behind the eyes. "Sorry..." He looked up to see Gustavo pushing open the door to the dance floor.

"What's going on?" he barked.

"I don't think James is feeling well," Logan said gently, walking over to James and putting a hand on his shoulder lightly.

"He can hang on for another 15 minutes. Don't think you can trick me into letting you out early again," Gustavo said dismissively.

"Can he at least sit out for a few?" Kendall tried.

"No," Gustavo said shortly. "You've all pulled this before, and it's not going to work this time. Be men, tough it out." With that, Gustavo signaled for Mr. X to continue and left the dance floor.

"Just hang in there, buddy," Logan whispered in James' ear.

"No, Logan, I can't! I can't do this anymore, my head is pounding, it _hurts_," James hissed.

"James, I'm so sorry. But I don't know what to tell you...15 more minutes. If we back talk to anyone, our jobs could be on the line!" Logan skirted back to his position as Mr. X hit the music.

"5, 6, 7, 8..." Mr. X yelled, sending the boys off into the routine again. 3 of them complied. James didn't.

"NO!" he screeched, any self control he had flying out the window. The outburst made his head spin, but he was too furious to care. "I can't DO THIS!" He headed for the door.

"James!" The others rushed to their friend, trying to restrain him and get him to calm down.

"Let GO of me!" James said, shoving Kendall roughly. The blonde staggered backwards, trying to find his balance despite being in shock. James had never been that rough with him before.

"James, calm down. This isn't professional," Logan pleaded, reaching out to him again the same time as Carlos. Furious, James impulsively swung a closed fist at Carlos. Logan saw it coming and pulled the Latino back before James could make contact with his face.

James eyes widened as he realized what he had almost just done. "James..." Logan said softly, a hurt expression tracing his features. James cast a glance towards Carlos, who was on the verge of tears in Logan's arms.

"I..." James bit his lip before suddenly turning and fleeing the studio, leaving his three best friends behind in the dust.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4  
><strong>

James tore out of Rocque Records and didn't stop until he was back at the Palm Woods, despite his head being in extreme pain. A tear slipped down his cheek, and he quickly brushed it off before anyone could notice. _I can't believe I tried to hit Carlos,_ he thought to himself in dismay.

James was growing more and more confused with every outburst he had. He couldn't understand why these sudden outbursts were happening, and why they caused him to be so impulsive that he hurt the ones he loved, entirely by accident.

Pushing the door to 2J open, he tumbled inside and proceeded to barricade himself in his and Carlos' room, away from anyone who might try to talk to him.

/

Logan, Carlos, and Kendall could do nothing but stare after James, absolutely speechless.

"Did he just...?" Kendall asked in disbelief.

Logan managed a nod in return, unable to talk. James' behavior had rendered them all silent.

Gustavo broke the mold. "You dogs can go," he said uncertainly, waving towards the door. "And make sure Pretty Boy has it together tomorrow!" he bellowed after them, regaining his authority as the three dashed outside.

"James?" Logan called once they were on the street. "Where are you?"

"He probably went back home," Kendall suggested, looking around.

"It's a good place to start," Logan agreed, following Kendall's hurried pace towards the Palm Woods before turning back. "C'mon, Carlitos," he reassured, putting an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders.

Carlos was the most affected out of James' sudden outburst, and they all knew it. The youngest was close to a breakdown himself, but out of hurt, not rage. He could barely take a steady breath.

Logan steered him back home, trying to keep up with Kendall's frantic pace.

/

"James?" Kendall called, bursting through the door to 2J. "What happened?"

Logan and Carlos soon followed. "Is he here?" Logan asked.

"Not sure," Kendall replied, stepping further into the apartment to investigate.

"Our bedroom door is closed!" Carlos said abruptly, pointing towards the hall.

The three ran towards it and began pounding on the door. "James?" "James, open up, please!"

James could hear them from inside. Now calm, he felt no more rage, only shame for his actions. He didn't want to see his friends' faces. The hurt on Carlos' features would be etched into his mind forever, and he just couldn't face them now.

"James, please, we want to help! You're our best friend!"

Kendall's words tore through James' heart. He didn't want any help, no matter what he had told the others earlier, and what he had told himself. Truthfully, what kind of a man needs help? The soon to be eighteen year old couldn't handle his emotions? The last thing James wanted was daily therapy talks with Logan. Pathetic. Drama was for girls. _Although I have been causing a lot lately,_ he thought.

But James knew that if he remained isolated for too long, his friends would get more concerned than ever, and would _never_ leave him alone about this. So he opened the door.

"Gustavo's horrible," he said simply to the others.

His friends blinked. "We know, buddy," Logan said uncertainly at first. "You okay?"

"Fine," James answered lightly. "The guy just annoys me, that's all. I'm not his little dancing monkey. And if my head hurts, I'm gonna take a break. That's the point I wanted to make to him today, that's all."

Silence again.

James sighed. "Kendall, I'm sorry I shoved you. That was wrong, you were just trying to help. And Carlos," he turned towards the younger boy. "I'm really sorry. I never wanted to punch you, I-" James's voice cracked. "I just don't know what happened."

"I just want you to be okay, Jamie," Carlos' voice wavered. "Please."

James stepped forward to hug Carlos, who accepted lovingly. "I'm okay, buddy. I am."

Logan and Kendall joined in a four way hug. Things were okay again, for now. But the three couldn't help but wonder if James would have another outburst again. And how much more stress on the relationship all of them could take.

/

James went to bed early, which wasn't a surprise for the others. They were concerned, nonetheless, and Kendall decided to do something about it.

"Band meeting," he announced, once he was sure James was sleeping.

Carlos pulled his head out of the fridge. "Band meeting?"

"But James isn't here," Logan pointed out, looking up from his book.

"Exactly," Kendall said, plopping down on the couch. "That's what we're going to talk about."

Carlos shut the fridge and made his way over to sit next to Kendall. Logan shut his book and set it aside, all his attention now focused on their leader.

"Look, we all know James hasn't been acting himself recently," Kendall started.

The others nodded.

"And we know that as good friends, if he wants to be left alone, we have to respect that."

More nods.

"But," Kendall sighed. "I think enough is enough."

Silence. "What do you mean?" Logan asked cautiously.

"This isn't normal behavior for James. This isn't normal for anyone!" Kendall exclaimed. "And lets face it, it's not getting better. I think we need to be more forward with him."

"What does that mean?" Carlos asked.

"It means..." Logan said with realization, looking to Kendall.

The blonde confirmed it with a nod. "We have to get some answers out of James, or bust. Even if he ends up hating us all."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Even if he hates us?" Carlos asked in a tiny voice.

"I agree with Kendall," Logan added after a moment. "This isn't normal. And we love James. When you love someone," he looked down. "Sometimes you have to be tough to make it all work out in the end."

Kendall put an arm around Carlos. "It's okay. We'll do it together, don't worry."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Logan said thoughtfully. "Until this is all straightened out, I don't think any of us should be alone with James. These mood swings could be dangerous."

"But James said he'd never hurt us!" Carlos interjected.

"We just can't take that to heart yet, Carlitos. After what's almost happened..." Logan trailed off, and the three fell silent, remembering the close calls they'd had in the past.

Kendall snapped away from the memories. "It'll get better," he said confidently, then stood up. "Good meeting, guys," he said with a serious nod, before going down the hall to his room.

It was silent for a moment.

'Well," Carlos said awkwardly. "Goodnight, Logie."

"Everything's okay, buddy," Logan said, patting Carlos on the shoulder before getting up. "I'll see you in the morning."

/

James woke up to sunlight streaming through the window. _What time is it?_ he thought blearily, trying to open his eyes and see clearly.

The numbers on his phone came into focus. 10:45 am.

"Shit!" James growled, flinging the covers off. Rehearsal had started hours ago, and Carlos' bed was bare. Had they really left without him?

Fury and rage suddenly overpowered James again. Before he could control himself, he turned and sent his fist flying through the drywall of his room, leaving a gaping hole as a mark of his lack of self control.

James glared back at the hole, temper slowly fading and his breathing rate coming back down. All of the sudden, tears began to form in his eyes. What had just happened?

Looking down at his wrist, James was thankful that there wasn't any major damage. Just a few scrapes, but he wouldn't need to see anyone else besides Dr. Logan.

Logan. Where the hell were they?

James sighed and shoved the bedroom door open, trudging to the kitchen. He was suddenly exhausted, despite sleeping in. _What the hell is my life coming to?_ he wondered blearily.

Rounding the corner, James' train of thought was interrupted by none other than his band mates waiting for him on the main floor of their apartment.

"What the hell is going on?" James asked them, confused and fed up. "Rehearsal started hours ago!"

"We canceled rehearsal today, Jamie," Logan said quietly. "We wanted to talk to you."

James features softened. "Oh," he said, hiding his injured hand behind his back.

Kendall regarded him curiously. "Is everything alright?" he asked cautiously. "You look a little spent."

"I'm fine," James answered, wincing at the tone. He hadn't meant for it to come out as harsh as it did.

Carlos' gaze flickered to James' hand, and James mentally slapped himself. The last thing he wanted was to scare Carlos even more.

"You wanna sit down?" Logan asked gently, steering James over to the couch.

/

"I'm not gonna lie, we're really worried about you," Logan started once they were all seated.

"And we want you to know that you can tell us anything, no matter what," Kendall said.

"So if something's bothering you, don't be afraid to let us know. We love you, Jamie, and we want you to be happy," Carlos added.

"I am happy!" James protested.

Logan grabbed his hand. "What did you do?"

James paused. "I uh.." he looked down at the scrapes. "Got upset because I thought I was late for rehearsal, and you guys left without me."

"So you punched the wall?" Kendall asked in disbelief. James was NEVER that violent.

"You thought we would leave without you?" Carlos asked, hurt lacing his tone.

"I don't know! I just woke up, I wasn't thinking!" James said, frustrated.

Logan jumped up and grabbed an ice pack from the freezer, laying it on James' hand. "Do you know why you've been having sudden urges to punch walls recently?" he asked gently.

James tried to think of a decent answer, but gave up. Nothing could fool his friends. "No," he admitted, dropping his head in defeat and exhaustion.

Kendall wasn't convinced. "You do want to see someone about this?"

"No!" James said, almost too suddenly. "I mean...it's not that big of a deal. I want to try to work this out by myself. Please?"

"If it makes you happy, then fine," Logan said tiredly. "But I'm gonna be straight forward with you here, James. We're concerned. And if it doesn't get better soon, we're gonna insist you get help. This isn't normal behavior for you."

James bowed his head. "I know."

"And we don't want you putting anyone's life in danger," Kendall said seriously.

James leaned back and closed his eyes. "I know."

Logan nodded at Carlos and Kendall. They all knew James was tired.

"Feel better, buddy," Carlos said, touching him gently on the shoulder.

The three quietly got up and left James in peace. The tallest boy was sound asleep.


End file.
